The Safest Way to Cycle

In light of all the discussions in Colorado Springs about bike lanes, safety, and transportation prioritization, friend of SpringsTaxpayers, Paotie Dawson penned this piece of satire.

NOTE: This is satire. We know these things didn’t actually happen. Have some fun along with us!

Colorado Springs — At a press conference held at City Hall in Colorado Springs, a Planning Department official announced she has discovered the joy of riding her bicycle on city side streets. “OMG! What fun it is to ride on an empty street!” declared Careena McCareena, the city’s Associate Planning Director. Speaking to a group of reporters and two residents of the city, McCareena announced she would be riding her bicycle to work, “Every single day. And always on empty residential side streets.”

McCareena, a lifelong resident of Colorado Springs, accidentally discovered how peaceful, tranquil, and happy it felt to ride her bicycle on streets, “where there is no traffic, no painted lines, no buses, nobody but me and my bike,” she said through joyous tears. She also explained that she was riding her bike one morning and had tried using Google Maps to provide directions to work, but somehow ended up on a street with a cul-de-sac. She then decided she would ignore Google and simply ride her bike through residential streets and neighborhoods and not major traffic thoroughfares.

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” she quietly asked.

A reporter later asked if McCareena would reconsider supporting the city’s attempt to force bicyclists to share busy main streets with heavy traffic. “Why should we want people to do that? I mean, like, I rode my bike on a street with no traffic and it was such a fun ride! Not a single worry. Can you do that on Cascade in downtown in the mornings during rush hour? I don’t think so.” McCareena’s statements are at odds and conflict with the Colorado Springs City Council, especially Councilor Jill Gaebler, both of which have been peddling political support in an effort to encourage residents of Colorado Springs to drive downtown, park, and pedal bicycles around the downtown area. Still, McCareena insists her job at the Planning Department is safe for now.

“Listen: Mike Clark, do you remember that guy? He rode his bicycle and played his guitar and he sang as he pedaled his bike  — all at the same time. And he made video of it, too! And guess what? He rode his bike on empty streets. I think he rode on Tejon, too. No traffic. No painted lines. And no hands! Just this cute guy, his guitar, and his bike.” A person in the audience of the press conference then held up an iPad as it played Clark’s video, “Hey Daisy,” and McCareena didn’t hesitate before dancing and applauding. “Listen and watch this! See how much fun it looks? Everybody should get out and ride their bicycles and ride them on side streets and away from traffic.”

McCareena also noted she is now a “rabid bicyclist,” and only rides her bike on residential streets. “I love riding my bike! And I really hope people can learn to ride their bikes on residential streets. It’s so much fun! So exhilarating! It feels like freedom!”

McCareena ended the press conference by directing all questions about the city’s bicycle policies towards Mayor John Suthers, who could not be reached for comment.

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